Why Am I Afraid to Be Successful?

Last night, I got to hang out with my creative friends at Sugar Gallery for Open Mic. They say that many people fear public speaking more than they fear death. This is something that I never understood, as I’ve always come alive with a microphone in my hand. At the same time, I’m an artist and a perfectionist. I was fed the same starving artist trope that many other artists are fed, so the fear of failure is something that I and many others are familiar with. However, a fear that we may be unfamiliar with is the fear of success.

Not too long ago, I attended the gallery showing of an artist friend. This guy is extremely talented, and his work is beautiful. I watched as crowd after crowd entered the room, admiring his work and wanting to buy it. Simultaneously, I watched this incredibly talented person shrink and hide himself.  I watched him undervalue himself and even turn down a sale. I couldn’t believe it! 

The more I talk to other creatives, I realize this isn’t uncommon. One friend told me that she ran out of the room when someone offered to buy her work. Another listed all the reasons why people should not want to buy from him. I thought to myself, I wish someone would offer to invest in me. I would immediately name my price and take advantage of the opportunity. But when I truly examined myself, I had to ask myself if this was true. 

When I examined myself, I realized as much as I’d say that I want to sell my work and be a full time creative, I was the same person who would be offered the opportunity to be a vendor or a speaker at an event and would have a bunch of reasons why I wasn’t ready or why I was unavailable. I’d be more comfortable hiding at home, talking to the same five people I talk to every day while wondering why my network wasn’t increasing and why I couldn’t succeed. While I wasn’t being offered big checks, I was turning down opportunities to be in the room to receive those checks and make those connections. I was in fact, sabotaging myself from success. 

So why do so many of us spend our lives saying we want to be successful and working towards success while sabotaging it? Creating a life of abundance is a good thing, and doing so while doing what we love is even better, right? The problem is that our conscious beliefs will have us saying one thing while subconsciously, we believe something else. A lot of the time, we don’t even know why we’re afraid of being successful.

I’m a person who was born and raised in the projects in Chicago. I grow up with people who either didn’t have a job at all, or if they did, it was a job they hated that didn’t pay very much but they believed they were doing what they had to do to survive. This belief was passed down to me. Consciously, I knew I wanted more for myself but subconsciously, I’d think things like, If I start this business, I’ll fail. Nobody will believe in me. I can’t do it. This is unrealistic. What if I get it wrong? Besides, look at all these rich people lying and stealing and going to jail? On top of that, if I were to have a lot of money, people would want to steal it or take it from me. It’s not safe. Consciously, I was a superstar, but subconsciously, I was chasing money and success away from me with a baseball bat.

I decided to become intentional. I started sitting down with my journal, writing out my limiting beliefs and then rewriting more powerful and aligned responses that felt good to me. I started connecting with my why and realized that wanting to live a life of abundance, creativity and beauty didn’t come from a greedy or selfish place.  Waking up every day to write or paint or do anything else that I love feels amazing to me. Buying high quality, beautifully made fashions, traveling to fun places to create memories with my friends and family, and helping as many people as I can do live in their purpose feels amazing to me. And if I’m going to do these things, wouldn’t it feel amazing to do so while enjoying freedom of time, with full awareness that all my needs and wants are being met? Absolutely!

One thing I’ve learned is that fear does not make you weak. Janet Jackson and Beyonce are two of the greatest female performers of all time, and both have experienced shyness and fear in their careers. Successful people often set big, scary goals and tremble as they go for them. Maybe fear is just a sign that we’re stepping into a life bigger than our past. And maybe that’s okay. But what’s not okay is allowing that fear to have us continuing to stay small, passing up on opportunities and denying ourselves to live a live that makes our souls sing.